3 September 2020

We spent most of the day today with Aaron working on the website. He’s such a gentle and loving soul. I care for him deeply and unexpectedly.

While he took a call, Paul and I went for another walk. We did our usual round and came back to the benches once again to sit quietly. Each day is fresh and unique and utterly itself, so I wasn’t trying to repeat or go back to what had happened yesterday. It felt softer and more gentle and I just washed away in the birdsong and quiet breeze.

At some stage in the stillness, it was as if the gate of ego opened up. I saw this which must die for what it is and felt a wave of gratitude wash over me. It wasn’t overwhelming like yesterday, but it had somehow the same depth to it. I’m just incredibly grateful to be who I am, with all my flaws and limitations and the endless arrogance and ego I have to constantly catch myself in.

After this, I sat quietly waiting for Paul. We both eventually got up to meet Aaron, and SFH appeared at the same time, “on a mission.” He looked at us both, thanked us for being there, and made the point that whatever we do, we ultimately do it for our own self. This felt particularly apposite given what had just happened on the benches. He went on to make the point that all we have to do is get rid of the illusion that we have got something. We may have understood a tiny, little, insignificant bit, but the truth is that whatever we think we’ve got, it’s really got us. We thank the ego for holding this small little bit, and then we dissolve laughing into that which can never be known by the limited and conditioned mind.

He then had a striking exchange with Aaron, which went something like this:

Aaron: The website is beginning to look good and we’re making great progress.
SFH: Good. It could’ve been done a long time ago though.
Aaron: No, it couldn’t have Shaykhna. You were not ready.
SFH: I was not ready!? No. The people were not ready for a true mirror. ‘Do you know that you don’t exist? Have you realised yet that you are an illusion?’ Nobody could handle that.

The conversation meandered on a bit, with SFH asking Aaron to get him some “sugar melons”. There is no such thing, but “it’s really about hope. We need hope to occupy the mind, so that it can be satisfied and come to neutrality. Only then can we go beyond.” He also told a story about Dr Z bringing him some watermelons (a summer fruit) on winter solstice and bemoaned this idiocy. He joked about how he couldn’t even eat them, because they’re God (referring to an old Sufi story about a god-king melon).